I have always prided myself on being real and honest with you, showing you what the reality of living with vision loss is like. I always want people to see what the possibilities are and that life is not over if you have vision loss. But I also want to be real with people when it comes to the struggles.
I have had a really rough couple of days. As many of you know I had some light perception left and that was all the vision I had. I have lost that light perception, and now have nothing left. It was hard to even talk about it, when it happened I was shocked.
I have been really struggling, I took comfort in that little bit of light that I saw, Once it was gone I realized how much I used that little bit of light perception. It is hard to explain but seeing that little bit of light for me was a huge comfort in my vision loss because it was something.
I have had a lot of emotions going on but the biggest thing for me was fear. I was terrified, I am terrified. I have had my anxiety go through the roof. It is just so overwhelming and hard to describe now that I am trying to put it into words. This morning when I got up, my alarm went off and I went to get ready for work and I just couldn’t do it. There was just too much fear and anxiety and it won. I took a personal day which was probably what I needed in the long run.
I kept telling myself all morning that I needed to get up get dressed and go out. Go get a coffee do something, I had to prove to myself I could still do it. I would like to say that that is what I did and it was easy but that is not the case. It took me from 7am to 3pm to be able to convince myself that I could do it and leave the house. There were tears in that route to get coffee and this is a route I have done hundreds of times and know like the back of my hand. But it felt like I was lost and doing it for the first time. My perspective on the world as I knew it has completely changed.
There has always been this fear ever since I was young of that day I went totally blind and saw nothing at all. It is a fear I hear so many of my friends talk about and I think we all in the back of our minds think it will never happen to us. And I was one of those, I never thought I would be here writing this.
I made it to the store and I got a coffee and it sucked, it was hard, it was emotional and I feel like I have a huge mountain in front of me to climb. It is going to be a rough climb but I will be on top of that mountain soon enough.
As you lose vision or your vision changes, each time this happens it can take you right back to day one of it happening. It can bring up all the emotions all over again and it is hard. You literally have to start climbing from the bottom all over again. It is a place that no matter how much support you have around you, that can feel very lonely and terrifying.
And this is mostly for me but you can do it. You are stronger than you know. This is just another challenge that you have to figure out and overcome. This challenge that has been put in your path can not defeat you or win. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it!
See you at the top!
Ashley and Danson