Rick and I have been home for a while and doing great ! We are learning a lot from each other ! Now that I am home and life is starting to get back to normal, and before I left I was struggling with a few things one as many of you know was about the trip of going to train with Rick but there was also many things that kept me up at night and one of those things was staying home.
I have always been someone who loves my kids very much but still really wants to have my own successes and feel like I am doing something with my time. I feel guilty when people say to me “that is so great that you stay home with your children you are so lucky” because part of me doesn’t want to be at home ! It has gotten worse since the kids are in school full time so I am home alone for the week and feel kind of useless. My husband says I am not useless because he likes coming home to a home cooked meal and that you are at home with the kids, but then in the same day my husband will complain about how much he hates going to work every day. I find myself resenting him for saying things like that I don’t want my life to consist of being the one that cooks dinner every night, I hate that he complains about working when I want so bad to be working.
It is a double edged sword because I think it is great for the kids to be able to have me at home with them, maybe it is because I was forced to quit work due to my vision and just the obstacles of getting to and from the city to my job. I had a job offer from a dream company and was not able to take it because it was a inconvenience for people when I had to rely on them to get me to and from. So I guess I am resentful. But I feel like there is a huge hole in my life and it is not for the loss of my sight but the loss of my ability to work and feel like I am a productive contributing member of society.
I read a article on Facebook that it is a luxury for the spouse that works to have their spouse stay home I don’t feel like I am a luxury to my family. Nor do I want to have this luxury and I have a tremendous amount of guilt for this !
Until next time !